Junkies Recovery

Finding the strength within is about the only thing that a guy or gal can do.  What happens to the person that has not the desire or even the willingness to find the strength that they seek?  Well, we all know what happens when that occurs, it is almost the same as loosing hope.  But….

If you believe in something that is more Powerful than yourself, than you really don’t need to look for that inner strength that I am talking about or do you?  Not sure, but I do know that the only way for this guy to move into a foward manner is to find the strength within myself.  What do they call that….self-will?   Is that such a bad thing to have?  Not…for it is when I find the self-will that I can move forward with whatever decisions that I have made or the decisions that I am basically running from LOL.  I don’t always take action right away, sometimes I need to wait and ponder things.  Looking for answers, asking questions to a friend that I trust, and than moving on from there.

The inner strength comes when I want it to be there.  Not before and not after.  Sometimes I even have to work at wanting to find the inner strength.  Some might refer to this as white knuckling it, or something simular to that expression.  I look at it as doing whatever I set my mind into doing.  Sometimes it isn’t easy to make myself do something, or to not do something.  I than have to look for that Inner Strength to overcome the obsticals that have become more like barriers. Sad but true, life isn’t a bowl of cherries or is it?  Probably is but there are always going to be pits in that bowl and than we need to find the path to get to the sweet part of the cherry instead of staying in the pits.

We don’t necessarily have to be refering to drugs here.  It is basically finding the Inner Strength to do what is right for each of us.  And IMO what is right for one person doesn’t mean that it is right for the other person.  I guess it depends on how you look at things and how you react to those things that are in your life.  So for me today, finding the Inner Strength, isn’t always easy to do, sometimes it takes a lot of effort on my part to actually find even a glimpse of it.

From my daughter today.  She informed me that it has been awhile since I have posted here.  Well she is right, it looks like that last entry was on the 20th of this month.  Actually I haven’t been posting or logging into much of anything….well I haven’t been logging in or posting anywhere.

It has been a really weird past week or more.  I don’t really even know if weird is the best word to describe what it has been like.  All I do know is that I have made a few choices in my life, that probably were not the best choices to make.  But I do know that no matter what happens with the choices that I make or the life that I live, I am the one that has to be responsible for all of those choices and decisions.  I have learned that throughout the past few years.  I used to blame everyone and everything for the shit that I got myself into and today, even though I would love to put the blame on someone or something else, it doesn’t work like that.

The choices that I did make, well they are not pretty and they are going to take me a while to get this all worked out and that is only if I can work them out.  I am not sure, I always go to the extremes on things in my actions and this time wasn’t any different.  I really don’t regret what I did on some of the choices that I have made but I sure in the hell do regret some of them.  And to get this all straighten out if I am even able to do it, will take months if not years to clean up this mess.

This is called active addiction…self will run riot….It was just plain or should I say plain insanity.  Yep I live in a mental insainity most of the time and yet there are times in my life when I can be perfectly happy with the way that my mind is for that moment.  Today, well I am alright…going to try my best to do the right thing for the right reason and I know that it isn’t going to be easy to do…I just hope that I have enough strength to do the right thing and to keep my head up no matter what happens in the days, weeks, or months ahead…

Another thing is that My Sister was put on HOSPIC which my nephew told me that meant like not having long to live.  So that is hard to deal with, and yeah covering the feelings don’t help…but it does for a little while.  Sometimes those moments are good to take a break from the mind and relax,,,if you can do such a thing.  She called and talked to me yesterday and it was good to hear her voice.  She is my best friend and I am sure that I will never forget her as long as I am alive.  I would love to have just one gift that she has and that is the courage that she has.  Maybe that isn’t the word maybe it is perserverance.  Well whatever it is, she is a very strong person that will never give up.  I know that I would have asked to die a long time before….wouldn’t want to live in the situation that she is in that is for sure.  Well have to run…

There is your update Daughter of mine.

What is Hope?

Well we are going to have this as our topic this weekend on one of my sites in the on-line meeting that we are going to have.  So what exactly is hope for oneself.  Not for anyone else but for you as a person.

For me, hope was to find the happiness that I have been looking for.  Not what others think, say, or do.  But what makes me happy.  That is my primary thing is to be happy within my own skin.  I think that is what we all are so despertly wanting is to be just happy to be who we are.  But so many times we get wrapped up into what others think say or do that we loose our way.

We don’t have to believe in what others believe.  We only have to find what we believe in and put that into action.  For me today, I believe in just living life.  Whatever that is.  Doesn’t matter if it is wrong in others eyes or not.  If I am happy with what I am doing than that is all that matters.  The only thing also is that I must be willing to pay if there are any consequences to the way in which I live.  Now I hope that I am not living in a way that would do much harm to anyone, but I have to be the one that is happy with what I am doing, and that is really all that matters in life itself.

Coming to the realization that life is meant to live.  Be happy with what you are doing and just do it.  No matter what others think, say, or whatever it is basically a inside job for each of us to find out what will make us happy and go from there.

Hope is something that we have in order to start this process.  Without hope we have nothing left.  I have hope of many things today.  One of them is to be happy, and I have that hope now everyday that I wake up in the morning.  I have hope that it will be a good day, I have hope that I will find happiness today, I have hope that I will be able to eat a meal today, I have the hope in so many aspects it is wonderful today.

What?

What are we connecting too?

I really don’t think that it really matters what we connect to as long as we are connecting to something or someone.  I really don’t think we even need to know what we are connected to for something to connect.

I know that we are all connected in a way that is probably more unknown than our little pea brains could even begin to figure out or even try to understand.  That is why I have come to the acceptance or should I say the liberty to not try and figure much of this out but to just know that I am connected to everything around me.  No matter what it is, the bird, my dog, Internet, people, places, we are all connected to everything around us that we sometimes put too much into what we are connected too.  Especially is the spiritual realm of things.

What is the spiritual side of things?

Well in my opinion it is what I just described.  Being connected to everything, and everyone.  No matter even if we are not feeling connected we are probably more than likely connected.  I know that I can see evidence of the connection in so many ways when I sit and reflect on it.  But during the day I don’t think about the connection as much. (most of the time)  There are times however when I will look into the sky, clouds, trees, squirrels, etc and think WOW what a wonderful thing, or even think when a squirrel comes close to me and starts to chirp, that squirrel is talking to me.  Not knowing what it is saying but maybe he is saying “It is all OK now, or good morning my friend.  That to me is what the spiritual side of the connection is.  Even when I might be driving down the road and a animal of some kind runs out in front of me and I swerve to miss hitting it…that is a connection to something other than myself.

Being completely free and able to live as we like is also a connection.  Not to have to do what others think, say, or do.  We are able to find out what we are, what we want in life, and how to obtain things that we want.  For myself the main thing lately is for me to be completely happy within myself.  Not to worry about what others might think or say, not to think that I am wrong and they are right, not to think that I am right and they are wrong.  Just to live the life that leads me to the inner peace that I have been searching and looking for ….  for quite a long time now.  So whatever I have been doing seems to be working, and when I am happy within myself, it is like a magnet that attracts others, which is what this deal is all about.  So now I can finally give away what was given to me…freely….without expectations…without regret

Thanks

Is it possible to recover from drug and alcohol addiction without God or a Higher Power?

I know many of people that have taken this avenue and have had good results.  I for one have been torn with the theory of God even though I have been to college to be a minister.  I have drawn away into a life that was filled with drugs and alcohol for most of my life, than I would try and go back to the religious part to get clean, which I am able to get clean but my problem is staying clean.

So lately I have pretty much taken myself out of the AA/NA and have gone to nothing at all, but searching for a different type of recovery program maybe not taking AA/NA completely out of my recovery but I feel as if I need something else that focuses more on self than on a God or HP or something of that sort.  I know that there are those programs and have contacted a guy that I have known from another recovery site to get some of his opinions and what has worked for him.

I feel as if this might be a thing that I need to focus on right now.  Looking for solutions in order to keep from dieing from a overdose, or going permanently insane.  Although I haven’t been high in around or over 26 months my attempts to get high isn’t right I feel.  Something is there and I need to figure out why I would even put myself in a position like that knowing that it isn’t the path that I truly want to be on in my life.  Although I do miss the wild sex and the night life of it all of course what guy wouldn’t!  LMAO  The thing that I fear the most is if I continue to try and get high that maybe the next one will be real dope and it will not only get me high but I could end up dieing from it.  Now I am not afraid of death, but I really don’t want my life to end today either.

So I was suggested getting hooked up with Life Ring and maybe checking out SMART Recovery so I think I will be doing some studying here the next few days or so and seeing what they are all about. I just know that I need to find something other that AA/NA and not putting them down at all because they have saved me more than not the last 6 years. Thanks

Morning Everyone!

I forgot to post a update yesterday on my Sister. She called me yesterday, the first time in months that I actually got a phone call from her. It was so good to hear her on the phone! She sounded really good.

She told me that they had to do surgery today on her, but hell I can’t remember what the surgery is about now. I said to her, why are they doing surgery on you, didn’t they say that was too risky to do surgery on you. She is in the same boat that I am in. Well the thing is that she is on the ventilator again. So that is pretty much keeping her breathing but you would think that one day that thing isn’t going to keep her alive.

Well we had a pretty good talk for a little while and I could tell that she was running out of breath talking. She had to call her daughter I guess.

Also yesterday or should I say last night, my nephew brought me over a bed and a TV. I am not much of a TV person, but I always have it on LMAO I guess just for the noise. I was sitting here thinking this morning, it has been since the 18th of last month that I have laid down in a normal bed! WOW, and to tell ya the truth I only got a few hours sleep so I am wondering if I should go back to the floor LMAO.

We had a very good and POWERFUL meeting last night on-line at another site and the topic was on tolerance. I did really enjoy the time that it was also, and the meeting lasted for over 1 1/2 hours. I sure needed it I know that much. Sometimes I think online meetings are stronger than the other ones. Seems like a lot of times in f2f meetings it is hard to get some to talk I never had that problem

So here it is Sunday morning. What a glorious thing that we have ya know it.

And oh yeah, yesterday a guy from where I live (I used to do dope with) brought me down dinner I couldn’t believe it. We visited for a little while and although I don’t see him in the room, he sure in the hell looks good and you can tell he is doing well. I mean he told me that he had a bank account hell that is evident enough for the crowds that we hung with. The dinner BTW was a steak dinner and it was the first hot meal that I have had since last Saturday over a week ago.

Well that is enough out of me this morning have a blessed day.

I am going to try and get through some of the journals but am fearful of my Internet now. The landlord asked how I was accessing the Internet and I told her wireless. She asked if I was tapped into her router. Well I said I don’t think so it shows McCook and the service is Charter but it could be hers also. I really don’t have much of a clue about this wireless stuff, I have always had my own Internet service. Anyone have a explanation on it?

Sometimes it is so easy to not find something that we are searching for because we are too busy trying to find it. Trying to analyze what we are looking for, hoping for, wanting, needing, figuring things out, etc. Wondering if it is helping others, not helping others, drinking, not drinking, drugging, not drugging, having sex, not having sex, blah blah blah….. No I am not saying go out and get fucking drunk and high or have sex, etc! I am not saying not to keep searching inside of yourself either. What I am trying to say is simple…

Most of us that are alcoholic and addicts have a tendency to take things way too serious. We take things to the extreme most of the time and sometimes that is a good thing but there are other times when it isn’t a good thing either. One of them is trying too hard. For finding happiness, we are told (if you are in a twelve step program) work the steps, live by the steps, your not doing it right if you relapse, etc. Or maybe it can go as far as saying that you have to have something BIGGER THAN YOU (ie. God, HP, Mother Nature, Buddha, etc.) in order to get clean and sober and to stay clean and sober. But who is to say that about anyone? What recovery is..is alien to us! If we knew what recovery truly is than there would be a hell of a lot more of us in it than not in it. But it isn’t easy…simple? Maybe just too simple.

One thing that I am learning and it goes back to 2002 when I was introduced to the Program of AA and in a meeting that I was attending (early in recovery) when I was beating myself up really bad. I still remember this as if it was today. A girl spoke up and said, go out and buy you something that makes you happy, or wear something that makes you feel good, take your dog out for a treat (ice cream), etc. Well all that is material things but than again it might be a hell of a lot more spiritual than one thinks.

Think about it! IMO if there is such a thing as God, HP, whatever, doesn’t that God want you to be happy, joyous and free! Well sure it does! It doesn’t want you to be full of fear, hate, depression, resentment, anger, etc. So if that truly is the case than is those things really not good for us? Our Extreme Being, no matter what you may want to call it or even if you don’t want to acknowledge it wants us to be happy and that comes from all things. If we haven’t ate for days, we are not going to be too happy about that, if we don’t have Internet (and you like the Internet) we won’t be too happy about that. But even so, we still can find happiness without things, ie no bed! I haven’t slept in a bed since Saturday Night. yep a week now and you know what, even without that bed, I am happy, although I would like to have something better to sleep on. Here is the point! Would it make me happier to be able to sleep on a bed? Hell yes, so am I going to do what it takes to get one to make me more happy? Well I am not a fool OK be nice LOL

So let’s get down to this….It isn’t wrong to be happy, it isn’t wrong to do what makes you happy either, because it is up to you and it is up to me to be happy. So in my book do whatever it takes to make you happy. But the thing is also make sure that it is truly what will make you happy. If you know that drinking and drugging don’t make you happy than you had better not even go there. Now in your mind if it is anything like mine, it remembers the good times and the times it did make you happy. But if you have tried it and done it and gotten clean and sober and know that it takes you where you don’t want to go, than don’t go there. Simple yes..easy no….If sex makes you happy, than by all means have sex…just make sure that both of you know what you are doing..however if you feel bad about it than guess what? Don’t go there. If you like to play Bingo, than do it..but if you find yourself beating yourself up for spending the money and not winning..than it is probably best not to play bingo. It goes down to motives. Are your motives in the right place. OK just my opinion agree or not… Thought it was a nice day to do a little posting…Keep on keeping on

Computers gives me a headache sometimes LMAO

Vic is doing wonderful well yes I am

I got wireless going for now..hope it stays up and going because I won’t be able to do a lot with paying for Internet Service for awhile. I have obligated myself to rent in two towns now …

Is that not insane..or maybe it is doing the right thing for the right reason. No matter what it is I am just happy to be home. I tell ya I am so grateful to be back. I have hardly even wore my oxygen since I have been back and I haven’t had the issues with struggling with my breathing as long as I take my treatments which I do…

I am now down to 30mgs of steroids and I don’t know about a Mr Buff unless it is my stomach LMAO which is getting bigger and bigger but hey ya know what I really don’t care.. I am just happy to be able to enjoy life today. Even without any furniture, bed, computer desk, all that crap and I can actually say that I am happy now WTF is that all about… maybe it is what Pat and everyone else has been trying to teach me… being happy within myself? Well if that is it than that is what I am doing! Did ya notice that the word trying isn’t there Oh yes this too will pass but just maybe after all these years I am starting to learn something.

I talked with my sponsor the other day about the 20 minutes and 3 hits and didn’t get high. He said, “Vic, I don’t think that is a relapse, I think you should look at it like this, but for the Grace of God there go I!” Well actually, in my head I didn’t think that I relapsed other than the action to get high when I didn’t get high, but it really doesn’t matter. All we have is today! Today is all that counts, I can’t change anything that happened even yesterday. So whatever the case is I am keeping my clean date of May 25, 2006. I don’t think it is anything more than my journey and I will be updating my story both here and on the other sites. We talk about to they own self be true. Now if I would have been into the compulsive/obsessive and went and looked or gotten more like my sponsor said than yes that would have been a relapse but since none of that was set up and I didn’t blink a eye on getting back to the rooms than to let it go as a learning experience.

Well so far so good in everything. My Sisters health went to the other side again her patasium SP level was way high and had to be put into Brians hospital in Lincoln. That was a couple of days ago. I was suppose to hear something from my nephew today but haven’t heard anything yet. They did ask her at Brian if she wanted to continue living the way that she is living and she said yes. So she isn’t giving up on life. I am learning a lot about life from her and she might be the one that changes the way that I think about if I get into a situation like that. She is such a wonderful person. I am amazed about how she is dealing with life in the here and now. Gives me great hope as well.

Well enough out of me for the night. Glad to see Mary back, and I hope that is enough out of this addict. LMAO

Well I  really need to see what I am going to do from here.  I made it back to NP on Friday had to drive back to Lincoln and than bring my car back from Lincoln after I dropped off my nephews car.  It was a Honda not a GEO that I thought I was going to drive.  So that all went well. 

I finally was able to get on the Internet which is good but not sure how often I will be able to get on for now.  I am pretty much homeless here in North Platte.  I am staying at my friends house but don’t really want to stay here too long.  She is really nice to offer this too me though.  I am happy that I am not underneath a bridge though. 

I have tried to find places to rent and have found a motel room which I can afford but need to wait until Monday to see how much money I have in the bank.  My bank says that I have enough I think.  LOL Not sure I suppose.  I will have to probably wait a few days and see what debits have been debited and what hasn’t.  Well I hope this post goes through  with the Internet service that they have here.  Not sure it is really slow so we will see.  Just to let everyone know that I have made it back to NP and am doing well. 

Hey Pat.  Could you pass this on to SNC and also ask Carol to pass it on to RC and maybe you can let other sites know I am doing well OK>  Thanks take care and love you all.

Finally got a decent night sleep in almost 4 weeks of being in Lincoln. 

Sleeping isn’t easy for me.  Most of my lack of sleeping is caused from my drug use during my life.  But when I am able to get a good night sleep it feels really good I am glad that I finally was able to get a good nights rest!  Sometimes I think that has a lot to do with my recovery as well.  They talk a lot about the H.A.L.T.S. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick) part in the rooms of AA/NA and I am sure that it has a lot to do with relapse.  I get most of those quite a bit, maybe I should pay more attention to that little check list.

I woke up earlier and did my postings on the server for the meditations for the day.  That was a good thing around 3 or 4am and than I went back to bed.  But let us get back to the topic at hand.  Sleeping is Healthy.

Most of us don’t realize how important it is to have a good night sleep.  It is very important to be well rested.  It helps us through out the day to be able to function in a healthy manner and I also believe that it helps us to react to situations in a much healthier manner as well.  Without having a good nights rest and having those nights build up into weeks without a good nights rest, we tend to be on the edge more with our attitude, and not only with our attitude but on dealing with issues that may arise.  So it is important in so many aspects to have a healthy sleeping schedule.

Now I am not one for the use of aids, however if you need a sleeping pill to help you get that nights rest, than by all means get in touch with your Doctor and talk it over with him/her.  I know that you can by those things over the counter, however with alkies/addicts it isn’t a good thing to start going to the local drug store and just prescribing yourself medications without first talking it over with a Doctor.  Now that is just my own opinion and you can take it or leave it.  But I only know from my own experience that it isn’t best for me to start playing Doctor again, I have been down that road too many times and it always leads to other things which are not healthy.

Here are some tips that might help you out

• Sleep is as important as food and air. Quantity and quality are very important. Most adults need between 7.5 to 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. If you press the snooze button on the alarm in the morning you are not getting enough sleep. This could be due to not enough time in bed, external disturbances, or a sleep disorder.
• Keep regular hours. Try to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time every day. Getting up at the same time is most important. Getting bright light, like the sun, when you get up will also help. Try to go to bed only when you are sleepy. Bright light in the morning at a regular time should help you feel sleepy at the same time every night.
• Stay away from stimulants like caffeine. This will help you get deep sleep which is most refreshing. If you take any caffeine, take it in the morning. Avoid all stimulants in the evening, including chocolate, caffeinated sodas, and caffeinated teas. They will delay sleep and increase arousals during the night.
• Use the bed for sleeping. Avoid watching TV or using laptop computers. Know that reading in bed can be a problem if the material is very stimulation and you read with a bright light. If it helps to read before sleep make sure you use a very small wattage bulb to read. A 15 watt bulb should be enough. Bright light from these activities may inhibit sleep.
• Avoid bright light around the house before bed. Using dimmer switches in living rooms and bathrooms before bed can be helpful. (Dimmer switches can be set to maximum brightness for morning routines.)
• Don’t stress if you feel you are not getting enough sleep. It will just make matters worse. Know you will sleep eventually.
• Avoid exercise near bedtime. No exercise at least 3 hours before bed.
• Don’t go to bed hungry. Have a light snack, avoid a heavy meal before bed.
• Bedtime routines are helpful for good sleep. Keep routines on your normal schedule. A cup of herbal tea an hour before bed can begin a routine.
• Avoid looking at the clock if you wake up in the middle of the night. It can cause anxiety. This is very difficult for most of us, so turn the clock away from your eyes so you would have to turn it to see the time. You may decide not to make the effort and go right back to sleep.
• If you can’t get to sleep for over 30 minutes, get out of bed and do something boring in dim light till you are sleepy.
• Keep your bedroom at comfortable temperature. Not too warm and not too cold. Cooler is better than warmer.
• If you have problems with noise in your environment you can use a white noise generator. A old fan will work or you can buy noise machies from many sources.
• Know that the “night cap” has a price. Alcohol may help you to get to sleep but it will cause you to wake up throughout the night. You may not notice it. (It is worse if you have sleep apnea because the alcohol makes the apnea worse.) Sometimes people snore only if they have had some alcohol or may snore worse if they already snore.)
• If you have a sleeping partner, ask them if they notice any snoring, leg movements and/or pauses in breathing . Take this information and try the sleep test. You may have a sleep disorder or you may just need to increase your awareness about your own sleep need. If you have any concerns see your doctor.