I was born one of nine children which I was pretty much in the middle of the whole group of kids. Our lives as children was anything but pleasant. Even though I don't have a lot of memory about my childhood, the memories that I do have are not that good. We were a very poor family who moved around a lot and we never stayed in a place very long at all.During the first 10 years of my life, the memories a very vague if anything at all. One memory stands out the most and is alive today as it was back than, and that was when I was sexually molested by two of my Sisters. I can still see it happening today after 42 years. I can even still hear the words of the first molestation, "Get off your not good enough!" That has haunted me all of my life, and not only that but those words ended up being one of the core of my diseases which is Dope and Sex! They go hand and hand for this addict, and for me today I still have struggles with the issue of them. Trying to find the medium that is promised or at least talked about by others.
I took my first drink at the age of 3. I can remember that also, as my father put his vodka and ice on the end table, which I was hidden underneath. I took the glass that was half full and drank it like it was water. I remember the room starting to spin around after a little while, and it seemed as if there were no cares at all. Everyone in the room seemed to be laughing and of course I thought that they where laughing at me. Yes I was the center of the universe. I don't remember much after that I guess that I ended up passing out.
By the age of 10 now, we were taken away from my mother. My Dad, well I don't have a lot of memories about him. We were all put into a center for children, which were problem children is how I looked at it, but I didn't feel as if we belonged there for it wasn't our fault at the way that we were raised was it? I mean I didn't ask to have this life that was handed to me and by no means did we do anything wrong.
We were put into a foster home at the age of 10, with a life that was completely different. These people went to the country club! I never heard of such a place, these people had family affairs during the holidays, these people would go to church, these people had a life that in my eyes were glamorous and it was for me. I stayed with them for a total of 5 years and than I ran away, feeling that I was not a very good boy for them. That feeling of being different was still there. I ended up in a Group home after that and was there until I graduated from High School. One thing that happened there was I fell in love with God. I would go to church all the time and would study the Bible with as much time as I could. I no longer felt as if I had no place, for I was where I was suppose to be.
I went to college to be a minister for I knew that was the calling of my life. Although back than I thought that the calling meant to be standing behind a pulpit today I see with different eyes. When I registered for college, and still a virgin at the age of 19, I saw the most beautiful woman that I had ever laid eyes upon. I felt at the time that this was going to be a love of my life, which is more true than not. We started dating and before long it got very serious. For the first time in my life I knew what it was like to have someone who loved me, however the only problem was she told me that she wouldn't be able to marry a guy that was a Minister. And of course I knew that I could fix that! I would drop out of college that was the solution to the problem. Well needless to day, we broke up shortly after that and I went off to the service. Here is where I got active in using dope.
By this time I felt that my calling in life had changed. I started with Pot which seemed to be my favorite drug and than I went on. I used to live by a saying, "I would use anything once and if I liked it I would continue." I did that, and I was very obligated to my commitment. I knew how to party and I thought that I was one of the best at it. I didn't realize back than how it was effecting my life and my decisions. I failed a efficiency test and I got into a argument with the Major for the Kernel was gone at the time. He said to me that if I failed the next one that he would put me out to pasture. I didn't say anything but in my head I said we will see who puts who out. When the next one came around I failed it on purpose with a worse score than before. I knew that I would have to speak to the Kernel this time and I told him what the Major had said. Of course he called the Major into the office to make sure I was telling the truth. He gave me a option to take the test again, or to get a honorable discharge, and I took the discharge.
I moved to Virginia where my Sister was! This is the Sister that I have talked about openly on the the one that has always been there for me no matter what. She is the one that finally made me realize that it isn't all about Me. The life that we had back than was once again nothing more that what I set out to do and that was to party. We did a good job of it also. There came a time about 1 year or so later that we ended up leaving Virginia and moved to California where my real father was. The guy that I never knew, the guy that had left us all at a younger age.
When we got there, he helped me to get a job which was pretty cool. We got to know each other somewhat, but I still felt that distance that was always there. He wasn't in the best of health either, suffering from cancer. Our stay in California wasn't that long either. I don't think that we lived there much more than a year before my Sister and I moved back to Nebraska. It seemed like we were reliving the childhood of moving and not staying put in any area, even though I have no memories of it, just know by my Sister telling me things.
Once upon arriving back in Nebraska after a few years we ended up where my Biological Mother was. The woman that I do remember a little bit about. She was always drunk, with different men, etc. But when we arrived in Nebraska, she wasn't that same person. Something different completely about her. She didn't drink, she wasn't with any man, she wasn't the person that I thought that she was. She was really into going to Church, playing her organ and other instruments for nursing homes, she was completely different than I ever seen anyone change. After all of these years of not seeing each other, we began to have a mother and son relationship which in my eyes was really wonderful. But even than I continued to use dope, and did more drinking back than. I mean Budweiser and JD were my true friends, and of course my Pot. The harder stuff I tried to stay off of because that is what really was causing me so many Problems (or so I thought.)
Even though my Mother was on a path of her own, the path that I continued to take was a path of destruction. Nothing but living life to the limit, parties, and of course I loved to live on the edge of life. The things that I believed in changed, the morals that I had eventually didn't mean anything to me. I would use any sort of drug that was offered to me and I never did care or even think about what it was doing to me or to the people that were around me. I was a man that was meant to live this life, and to make sure that I did it to the best of my ability. I proved that with my criminal record, yes I have a huge record and it was caused by my using and drinking. I didn't care and I had a don't care attitude about the whole thing also. Here I am a man in his early 20's with a dream of being a minister for God only a few years back and now I am a child of something that wasn't Godly at all.
For the next 20 years, I fought the battle within myself. I had a tear between God and Self. During this time the party guy usually won the longest! I would never be able to stay clean for much more than a year at a time, more likely it would be only a few months if that, and back to the Party Animal that I was meant to be. I continued to do this over and over and over again, and each time losing more and more of myself and of course the people that were around me. I would strive to make sure that I had the best of everything no matter what it took for me to get it either. SEX, DRUGS, and Rock and Roll were companions of me and they always seemed to help me out. It was the real me, or was it? During the 20 years, I had been married three times and divorced three time. I didn't have good luck at that either or maybe I did! Just maybe those things turned out to be blessings which I never thought of that way until 2002. But we are going to 1996.
During 1996, I got into some trouble with the law again. I was using heavily and ended up getting two years of probation during I believe 1997-1999. But in 1996, when I got into trouble, a young kid at the age of 17 asked me if I had ever thought about going to A.A. I didn't even know what A.A. was and asked him what it was. When he told me what the meaning of it was, I said, "Sure I will give it a try!" He asked me to go with him which I did do. When we went, I heard a guy or someone say, come to 6 meetings and if you don't like it we will refund your misery. Well I went to the meetings and than they stated that we had a disease that was not curable. I went and told my Pastor what they had said, because in the Bible it says that Jesus can heal any disease. My Pastor told me that I didn't need to go back there again, and I didn't either until I got into more trouble in the year of 2002.
During these periods I continued to use, I was on my third marriage by this time and life was just life. I really never understood what this life was all about, however I was using heavily and my using had turned into something that I could not stop, and if I did it was only for a brief time. I got busted in 2001 for possession of a control substance (crystal meth and coke) and burglary. Of course I tried to scam out of it, and ended up taking a plea bargain which was 3 years of ISP (Intensified Supervised Probation) the only thing different this time with the courts is when they asked me if I had a Problem with alcohol and drugs, and this time I told the truth and said yes. I believe that this is the moment that I finally faced the dope head on and let it know that I was going to do what I had to in order to change.
The probation went well until the end of it and once again I found my sickness rear its ugly head and of course the part of my sickness included that I go get some woman and some dope and just have that sex, which my Sister that molested me said that I wasn't any good at, and I knew that I can be as long as I had my dope. I ended up getting caught with a dirty UA and ended up getting a sanction on that one. A sanction is a warning, so there again I was a very lucky person. I got released in January of 2005, and ended up high by March of the same year. Still doing meetings I continued to battle this crap and kept wondering why I couldn't stay clean. Why I kept returning back to the crap that has taken everything from me time and time again.
After awhile during that year I decided to move out of state! I figured that would fix it all, if I didn't know anyone, than I couldn't or wouldn't get high. So I sold everything that I had or gave it away to escape from the town that was keeping me high. When I got to where I was going, I paid my rent, bills, went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, did what I was suppose to do in order to stay clean. I was doing the deal finally! I was so happy where I was and yet sometimes I still felt as if I was all alone again. But one of my main problems for this addict is Women. Not blaming them, but I always look for the one that is sick. Yes I like women and I let them know it also at the meetings. I did get involved with one after awhile and on Valentines Day of 2006, I ended up relapsing with this woman. It was like WTF now am I going to do. I would be clean for 5 days and than back on that crap (at the time was Crack) for however long until I ran out of money. I knew I had to get away from there or I was going to die. It was so easy to get dope there, and everyone seemed to know me very quickly. So what would I have to do? Oh yeah I will move back to Nebraska!
I moved back to Nebraska thinking yeah that would keep me clean around March, maybe April of 2006 not sure. But that like they say isn't the answer. I kept thinking if I could just change all of my surroundings that I would be OK. That isn't how it works. I than was driving a 8 hour drive one way to score Crack. I would drive to get it and than drive back and this kept a happening until May 24, 2006. I can still remember to this day of being in my other apartment out of Nebraska, and looking around and saying this isn't where I want to be anymore. I didn't want to be this person anymore, and I knew that I would have to take drastic steps in order to change that.
On May 31, 2006 I woke up, still clean and it was a Miracle for the 5 day vicious cycle had been broke! I was amazed that I woke up clean for another day, it was like a gift, a gift that I felt like I didn't deserve. I continued to go to meetings, I worked the steps, I put myself into Out-Patient treatment. I was willing to go to In-Patient Treatment as well but something happened where I couldn't get in so I continued to do what I had to do in order not to use for the day. Finally without even realizing it I acquired some clean time, over a month, than over a year......I continue to do what I have to do on a daily basis to not use Just For Today.
There is a lot of other things that have happened during my clean time this time. My health has gone to crap, my Sisters health also, this hasn't been easy at all to do, but I just try and remember that all I have to do is to remain clean for today, NO MATTER WHAT!
So this is the short form of my life. I am glad to be able to share it here. I will continue with updating my life in recovery, all you have to do is visit my blog by clicking on Vic's Life In Recovery here.... Vic's Life In Recovery and remember that together we can do this deal! Love ya in Recovery.....